All I Wanna Do (Hell's Phoenix MC Series Book 1) Read online

  I can’t believe James is officially in my life, well, Charlie’s and my life. Now, I have to talk to Charlie about James.

  Charlie is in the living room, watching Nick Jr. He looks tired. I walk into the living room and sit down next to Charlie on the love seat. I grab and hug him. This is going to be hard. I am unsure if he will understand or not. Charlie whispers, “I love you, mommy.”

  I answer, “I love you too, sweetie.” I pause for a few minutes before I build up the courage to tell my son he has a father. Why is this so hard? I should be grateful that his father wants to play an active role in his life. Charlie has never really asked about his father. I just hope they connect. Charlie is a momma’s boy. Will he love his father? I look at Charlie and say, “Hey sweetie, how would feel about having a daddy?”

  He answers, “Huh?”

  I turn the television off to get his full attention. I ask again, “Do you want to have a daddy?”

  “Mommy, I don’t like Richard,” says Charlie, referencing my boyfriend of the last year. For as young as Charlie is, he has never given Richard a chance.

  When I met Richard, I was out with Maria. She finally convinced me to take a night off from being Hayden the working, single mom. I missed my friendship with her. But once I found out I was pregnant with Charlie, everything changed. Gone were the days of going out with my friends without a care in the world. It was just me. Being a single mother is not easy. My whole world is focused on God’s gift. Maria and I hit a rough patch, but after she had her daughter two years ago, she started to understand how a child can change your life. One night, about a year ago, she begged me to come to her cousin’s thirtieth birthday party. Charlie was with me. Richard was debonair. I remember spotting him across the yard at the party/BBQ. It was a strange connection. Here I am, this tattooed, single mom, not looking for anything. I had everything I needed, but something about him caught my attention. He was so incredibly sweet. However, Charlie always ignored Richard. I do not know why but Charlie always said he did not like Richard, no matter how many times we tried to do things as a family.

  But once again, here we go with him not connecting with Richard. My son is too smart at times. “Not Richard. Someone else.”

  Charlie looks up at me with confusion in his puppy dog eyes.

  I continue, “You know Uncle James that you met today?”

  “The one who wanted to show me the bikes.”

  “Yeah, him.”

  “I like him.” This I find peculiar as they spoke with each other for a few minutes before I showed up.

  “That’s good. He likes you. Charlie…This is hard.”

  “What mommy?”

  “Uncle James is more like your daddy.”

  Charlie’s eyebrows furrow in. I could only imagine the wheels spinning in his head as he tries to comprehend this. I wish I had tried harder to find James. But like Ralphie said, he was in the service. Charlie quietly asks, “I have a daddy? A real daddy.”

  Tears form in my eyes as I see my child try to figure this all out. This is so much for a four-year-old to take in. But James wants to be a part of Charlie’s life. He deserves to be a part of it. And Charlie deserves a father.

  Charlie responds, “Mommy, don’t be sad. I still love you.”

  “I love you too, honey.”

  “Does my daddy want me?”

  I nod, “Yes, sweetie. He is thrilled to be your daddy. I’m sorry you didn’t meet him sooner.”

  “It’s okay.” He smiles, “I got a daddy. An actual daddy. I can’t wait to tell grandma.”

  I laugh, “Yeah, you do. Grandma will be excited.” I grab the remote and turn the television back on. Charlie curls up against me until it is about time to get ready for bedtime. I cannot believe how Charlie handled it. He embraced knowing he has a father. I just hope they will connect well. I have a feeling they will. Something tells me James will be there for Charlie and even me.

  James

  After the news of finding out that I am dad, a fucking dad, I need to let out some steam. Fixing bikes was not going to help keep my mind off Charlie and Hayden. I need to blow some shit up. Ajax was working on the bike next to me. I holler, “Hey!”

  He answers, “What?”

  “Shooting range later?”

  Ajax’s head pops up above the bike and he looks at me. “Sure. What’s up?”

  “I’ll tell you later, man.”

  “Okay.”

  We continue to work on the bikes. To get to the caliper of the bike, I first start off removing the two 10mm bolts that secure the caliper. The joys of replacing the front pads of a motorcycle. I drop my wrench in frustration. Not because of repairing the motorcycle. I pick up the wrench and continue to remove the caliper.

  My mind is going a mile a minute. I just can’t shake this. I have a fucking kid. This whole fucking time. I lost four years of my son’s life that I will never get back. I did not get to hold him as a baby. I did not get to hear him say his first words or see him take his first steps. Be there for him when he got his first bump or bruise or take him to his first day of preschool. All that gone. To make matters even worse, I would have been there for Hayden. Made sure she got everything she needed from me. I know I went away to Germany for two years but there would have been nothing stopping me from making sure I was involved in their lives. Anger continues to rise in me, I slam the wrench down and stand up. Ajax’s head pops up at me once more. He hollers, “What the fuck is going on?”

  Pissed off at the entire world, I answer, “I’m a fucking dad.”

  Ajax squints his eyes, trying to figure out what I just said. He is my best friend, my brother. He questions, “What do you mean, you are a dad?”

  “Remember that chick I banged a few years back?”

  “Dude, you expect me to remember when you fucked some random girl? I’m not your pussy tracker.”

  “Fuck you. Never mind.”

  “Bro, what the fuck is going on? You just can’t say you’re a dad without explaining yourself.”

  “Almost five years ago, I fucked Cilla’s daughter, Hayden. I left for Germany and I never seen or heard from her. She was just a woman I fucked. I thought about her a lot but then her memory faded away until a few hours ago. I met Cilla’s grandson. Cute as hell kid with some crazy big, brown eyes. I thought he looked familiar.”

  “Okay.”

  “You know why he looked familiar to me?”

  “He looks exactly like you did at his age?”

  “Damn straight. Even fucking Ralphie said that Charlie could be my son without knowing he was.”

  “You all figured this out today?”

  “Hays walked in the door to get Charlie. I looked at her and looked at him. I put two and two together and found out I was a father.”

  “Bro, that is fucked up.”

  “I’ve missed out on four years of his life. Four important years.”

  Ajax gets up from his stool and walks over to me. He sets a hand on my shoulder and says, “You can’t make up for missed time, but the important thing is that you know about him now. Bro, you are a good man. That boy will know what it’s like to have a father now.”

  “This might sound like a woman speaking, but do you think he will accept me as his father?”

  “That is hard to tell. In the beginning, yeah, it will be hard. Give it time and be there for him and you will have nothing to worry about.”

  “I have so much time to make up for.”

  “James, don’t worry about making up time. Worry about utilizing the time you have with him now.”

  “You’re right, man.”

  “Shooting range and then Dirty Jays.”

  “Sounds like a fucking plan.”

  We continue working on the custom motorcycles. Thank God for Ajax. He is definitely the brother I never had. I can talk to him about anything. I just hate knowing I missed out on the early stages of Charlie’s life.

  Chapter 7

  James

  My stomach
is in a ball of knots. Hayden invited me over tonight for dinner with Charlie and her. I am not sure how this is all going to go down. I have a son. We lost so much time together. Will he like me? I wonder if he is as nervous as I am. Hayden said it well the other night. Her voice was soft and sweet when she told me Charlie liked me. My life has completely changed, for the better.

  I walk up the cement pathway to her house. Hayden’s house is small but bright and full of character, like her. Flowers align the pathway. There are goofy looking gnomes in the garden by the patio. There is even a bird bath. The wooden door has a sunflower door hanger that reads, Welcome. I shake my head thinking of the feisty woman I screwed around with five years ago living in a small, yellow cottage on the outskirts of town in a suburb city. Papillion, I think. Who cares? It looks like a nice little neighbor. I can see Charlie enjoying living here.

  I knock on the door, shaking the sunflower sign. Faint steps become louder as they grow closer to the door. The door opens, Hayden greets me with a frantic smile. I say, “Hey.”

  She greets, “Hey, James. Charlie is in the living room. I’m just trying to finish up the spaghetti. Charlie’s choice, you know?”

  I laugh, “Sounds like the perfect choice.”

  She lets me in and points to the living area and acknowledges Charlie. “Hey sweetie, James is here. You want to hang out with him while I finish.”

  Charlie is in a daze watching television. Hayden realizes Charlie does not budge his stare. She looks at me and says while pointing to the coffee table, “The remote is over there. Just turn it off. He will be fine.”

  “Okay.”

  Her pony-tail swings as she turns around and heads to the kitchen. I walk over to sit by Charlie on the couch. I do not feel comfortable turning the television off quite yet. This is our second interaction together. First, as father and son. I say, “Hey, Charlie. How you doing?”

  Charlie turns his head and takes one glimpse at me, then it is back to the television. I continue, “Okay. Charlie, I’m going to turn the T.V. off. Your mommy said I could.” I grab the remote off the old, beat up, glass, stained coffee table and click the television off.

  Charlie takes a deep sigh. He has to be nervous. His mom just left him with a complete stranger like it is nothing. But it is something, I am his father. I acknowledge Charlie again, “So, little man, why are you so quiet?”

  He turns his gaze toward mine and says, “Mommy says you’re my daddy.”

  In agreement, I respond, “Yep. How do you feel about that?”

  Charlie takes another deep breath. “I’ve never had a daddy.”

  “Okay. Well, you do now.”

  “Will you take me to see the bikes?”

  His innocence changes the subject. I smirk, “Of course, I will take you to see the bikes.”

  “Mommy too?”

  “If she wants.”

  “Okay. I guess you can be my daddy.”

  A deep, belly-filled laugh explodes from me. At that very moment, Hayden walks in. She announces, “Dinner is ready.”

  Charlie squeals, “Yay!” He gets up from the couch and reaches for my hand and asks, “You ready, daddy?”

  Then it hits me. A wave of emotions slams against my body. He called me daddy. There was no hesitation with it. He accepted me without even knowing who I am.

  He. called. me. daddy.

  Hayden

  After dinner, James helps Charlie get ready for bed. Dinner was a little awkward but for the most part, it went smoothly. Maybe a little too smooth. James gave Charlie his undivided attention. It made my heart become a pile of goo. I could tell James was nervous by each fidget. At one time, when he got up to get some more milk, his burley body practically knocked the table around. His pink face exposed his embarrassment. Charlie laughed at his father. James played it cool, saying he meant to do that. He is trying.

  I put the last set of dishes away before I head to Charlie’s room. I stand in the doorway to see James reading Chicka-Chicka-Boom-Boom to Charlie. They both are laughing at the part when the palm tree broke. My heart is mushing up again. As James continues, Charlie points at the words with his head going back and forth from James to the book. I have never seen so much delight in Charlie. He is mesmerized by his father. They are connecting. From the way James holds Charlie to Charlie cuddling up against him; it is natural. They know they are blood. As James is coming to the end of the book, he smirks, showing his boyish side. Charlie looks up at James, smiling exactly the same. As I witness this perfect moment, my eyes start to water. My son has a father. His father.

  James must have sensed my presence, he looks up at me. His smile fades and his chocolate eyes stare me down. I look down, hoping he would not see the tears in my eyes as I quickly rub them. Charlie says, “Hi, mommy. My daddy read me a book.”

  Still rubbing my eyes, I cry, “I see that, baby.”

  “I’m ready for na-night, mommy. Can daddy tuck me in?”

  I look at James and notice he is rubbing his eyes too. James is caught up in the moment as well. I answer, “Of course, he can. But can I give you a kiss first?”

  Charlie gets up from his bed and runs to me. He plants his tender lips on mine and squeezes me tight. He comments, “I love you, mommy.”

  “I love you too, my little stinker.” I tickle his side and he giggles. Charlie runs back to his bed and jumps under the covers, still laughing.

  James gets up from Charlie’s bed and starts to tuck Charlie in. Two sets of big brown eyes are staring at each other. Is it weird to think they already love each other? They have only seen each other twice. Is the bond between father and son so strong that love is instant? If I didn’t believe it before, I do now. James loves Charlie. Charlie loves James. The waterworks turn back on. James tucks the covers under Charlie and he leans down to kiss his forehead. He is playing it safe.

  James stands up. Before he could walk away, Charlie faintly says, “I love you, daddy. I’m happy to have a daddy.”

  Yep, I lose it there. Niagara Falls tears.

  “I love you too, buddy. Now, it is time to fall asleep,” James responds as his voice breaks up. Then I see it. One tear drips down his cheek. Big, tough-looking biker succumbs to a simple ‘I love you’ from his son.

  James wipes the tear from his cheek and heads in my direction. His eyes no longer show love and compassion but anger and aggression. I am going to have to take whatever he gives me. I know, with all this, his life has changed forever. Yes, it is a positive change but that very change could have happened a long time ago. I take full responsibility for that.

  James brushes up against me as he charges on by. I follow him down the hallway to the living room. This normally long hallway feels short because the inevitable is about to happen. There is no getting around it. This time, Ralphie and my mother are not here to defend me. It is just James and me. We are about to go head to head.

  He walks into the living room. James runs his fingers through his dark brown hair. I can see the frustration. I comment, “Okay, let me have it.”

  He squints and says, “Let you have it?”

  “Tell me what a piece of shit I am for not looking harder for you. For not allowing you to be a part of your son’s life sooner.”

  “You’re not a piece of shit. But yes, you should have looked harder. Why didn’t you?”

  I take a deep breath. “Because I felt it was a lost cause. I didn’t even know if you were from here. I went back to that bar numerous times. I even asked about you. It was all a dead end. Plus, you were in a different country. How was I supposed to contact you when you were there?”

  He looks down at his black combat boots. “I get that. It’s just…”

  I step closer to him, knowing the grief is unwinding. “It’s just what?”

  “I’ve missed out on so much. Yet, that didn’t matter to him. He accepted me as his father.”

  I smile, “Yeah, he did.”

  “We created him. I’m a father. I don’t want to miss another m
oment. We need to figure out how we are going to handle this from here on out.”

  This is the part that concerned me the most. Once the connection was established, share time will start. I have not had to share my son with anybody. His grandmother lives with us to help. However, it has always been Charlie and me. Now, it is James, Charlie, and me. This is going to be hard. I ask, “How do you want to handle this? Charlie lives here with me.”

  His hands go through his hair once more. “I live with two other guys.”

  “Oh, hell no. You are not having my son come over to a frat house.”

  “Frat house, really? And he is OUR son. I deserve time with my son.”

  “I’m not arguing that. But I have no clue who these two guys are. My son will not be staying the night at your house.”

  Those damn brown eyes shoot flames at me. I’m staying firm on this.

  “You have no right to judge my friends. They are like brothers to me.”

  “Don’t care. My son will not be staying there.”

  “How the hell am I supposed to have time with Charlie, then? You’ve kept him for four years of his life away from me. I’m not going to allow you to keep any more time away from me.”

  “Fine. You can come here on nights I work and spend time with him. It is at least three nights per week. If you really want to see your son, I’m okay with you sleeping on the couch until I come home in the morning.”

  “This is all you are giving me.”

  “Yes. I don’t know you or your friends. Until I do, this is the arrangement we will have. My mother will continue to be here on those nights.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “He is my everything. If something was to happen to him when I’m not around, shit will hit the fucking fan.”

  “I can’t fucking believe this.”

  “These are the terms for now. You either want to spend time with your son or not?”